- 14042020 -

YOU ARE THE BRIGHTEST STAR IN MY LIFE, ALWAYS!

Not gonna lie, I am feeling kinda blue today, especially at this hour.

I remember the first question I asked Oscar when I woke up today was "Hey, do you have a blueprint for our future?"

I so want to have this conversation seriously.

I had been asking him a million times actually and I kinda know the answer too.

I don't know why I woke up with insecurities today.

I just felt like... I am such a loser.

I am not feeling lost again but feeling very hopeless.

Wake up, eat, playing mobile games have already becoming my daily routine.

THIS IS VERY UNHEALTHY AND I WANT TO GET RID OF IT ASAP!

Well, I didn't tell anybody about this but I have been thinking of my dad occasionally.

It felt like yesterday.

I miss my dad, so so so much.

I miss how things never goes wrong when he is around.

Not like my mum makes mistakes all the time HAHAHA.

Is just that... the feeling of having him around is very different.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

I was browsing through my Instagram when I woke up.

Well, you know... all those captions that you wrote when you were little...

It doesn't mean anything at that time, it was just a random caption.

But somehow, it meant a lot to me now.

Remembering how we used to eat-out at least once a week and watch movies together.

Remembering how we used to have family outing every week.

Remembering how my dad used to plan some random family trips....

Remembering how my dad pampered me...

He will never say NO to me.

Although he would but I know his answer will always be YES in the end.

OH GOLLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW!

I felt bad and regret actually.

Like.. how I always take "time" for granted.

He passed away when I was 18, and that was also when I started studying in college.

Initially I went back very often and even spoke to him over the phone.

But after that I was kinda busy and I seldom go home then.

I was very regret because I didn't go back as much as I could to spend the rest of the time he had with us.

I regret that we didn't take enough photos!

I remember how he used to like taking photos of us and with us but we sort of rejected because again, I took time for granted.

Not only that, even when he was sick and on recovering stage, it felt like a slight hope for everyone.

He didn't gave up at that point.

Unfortunately, his cancer relapsed.

I always have this vision of him in my graduation, walking me down the aisle, carrying his grandkids, teaching me what is right and what is wrong, supporting me on all the choices I made, tell me not to give up.....

HOW GREAT HE IS RIGHT!

Everyone made mistakes, even God.

Although he made a huge mistake that was so hard to be forgiven by us, but my mum chose to forgive him when he was so sick.

I chose to forgive him too because he simply is a great dad to me, to everyone!

Our last family trip was to Beijing.

My uncle and cousin uploaded the photos that we took in Beijing and there were photos of my dad.

Each time when I look back, I still cannot accept the fact that he is gone.

I mean, yea he is gone for 6 years already but I still cannot believe it.

I remember during CNY, our family was hosting the Annual Ng Chwee Seng's family gathering.

I had heard so much from the relatives saying that I had done a good job.

At that point, I really wish my dad could see it.

See that his daughter had already grown up, have at least some responsibility on stuffs...

I miss him so much that I wish I could connect with him often.

At least, when I felt miserable and need a person to talk to, he will be there in my dreams for me.

There are times like that honestly.

When I need to seek for second opinion, I know he surely would give me the best answer!

Because, he is my dad, my hero, my brightest star!

Years ago after my dad's passing, my aunt signed me up in a course.

I bursted into tears during the course when someone was talking how much she misses her dad.

Her scenario was very similar to mine.

That was the first time I cried so hard after the incident.

After that I cried silently HAHAHA.

Obviously I don't do it in front of my mum because deep inside, I know she is 100000 times sadder than I do.

After all, they spent longer time together than I do.

I am sorry if this post brings some bad vibes.

Well, let's end it with a photo of me when I was a baby with my dad then.

blogged,

Sharlyn